I found out I was pregnant on 22 November 2012. Every 22nd of the following months I wrote a letter to baby number 4. I had a miscarriage on 13 January 2013. This is the last letter, number 3.
Tuesday, 22 January 2013
You are no more. You have decided you don’t want us. You have made your choice. You are elsewhere. Did you ever exist? I never saw you. I had to believe in you through one solid line on my pregnancy test – yes, that second solid line which is at first faint. Now I am longing for one line again.
You’ve missed out on Gary and I. We are pretty good at parenting. You missed out on big brothers. Sid said he really wanted to be a big brother. You missed out on holidays, and birthday presents and Christmas. You missed out on meeting your grandparents. You missed out on being a part of the Institute family. You missed out on family performances. We are still twoaddthree, two adults and three kids.
I am sorry I never met you. I am also relieved. You were not meant to be. Were you meant to be? All is such a chance. I am not sure how to grieve anymore. My first week has finished. I was back at work yesterday, but my body wants to remember you. I bleed. It is insistent. You want to be remembered, still now in January 2013.
I bought a rose quartz pedant necklace to remember you by. I thought you were going to be a girl and we were gonna call you Rosa or Rose or Angela Rosa. Is that name forever yours now? Am I OK to name my future daughter that? You were difficult to come. You took ages. You conspired with Dr Shettles and timing method of having sex 2-4 days before ovulation. It didn’t work. We never met. You were too weak for this world, too precious, too small, too beautiful? I never looked at you, pieces of you in the hospital. You are in London, elsewhere. You were sudden, abrupt and violent – you needed to get out. You shocked me. It all ended at the Priestly Ward of the Homerton Hospital in Hackney. Now I have memories and stuff and fear. I haven’t got you.
I’m projecting elsewhere, to another baby. But yesterday I stood shocked. I realized I was NOT pregnant and might not (or could even choose not to) get pregnant. You gave me a way out. Maybe I am beyond procreation, maybe I am past it. In my ‘coping with a miscarriage’ board I posted about wanting to get pregnant with the 4th baby. Many women on the board don’t even have one. I deleted my post. I wondered if I was greedy. Someone said it was about being full of life. There is nothing better to do than make babies.
Everyone would have loved you. You would have got so much attention. Baby girl? You, impossible you. I would have loved you so much with all that unreserved love I contain. Never enough love for babies. And now I don’t love you. I am empty, maybe angry. I am not sure what is there to love.
On Friday 25 January 2013 I got negative pregnancy test and positive ovulation test. My period arrived on 12 February 2013, 30 days after my miscarriage.