25 12 2013 – 38w + 3

I have started re-reading To the Lighthouse again. So blue, in order to confirm the name James for the new baby. Christmas is on the TV. Sid is fast asleep, exhausted and beautiful. My loving baby boy. My six year old. Neal came to see me, to check on me, up here in heaven, in my bedroom on the  second floor. I can’t be downstairs any longer. The pressure is immense. What are you doing? Reading about breastfeeding. Shouldn’t it be just natural, self-explanatory? No, it used to really hurt me. Only with you it didn’t. Well, you never know, it might be just easy this time. What’s the alternative? Oh, you give them milk, SMA milk. Gabriel’s been exhausted by the teasing today. Someone is brushing their teeth. I can hear it. Kids have come to see me again. Gabriel’s shown me his nail that got caught between the fridge and the freezer. Nothing to worry about. Neal asked if I was still reading that book. No, I am reading To the Lighthouse, the other book is boring. Haven’t you already read To the Lighthouse?


26 12 2013 – 38w + 4

I washed some baby clothes and linen today. We are post-Xmas and it’s time to be preparing for the baby’s arrival. Gary’s yet to make the cot. I still haven’t reached that utter exhausting physical pain. I am only narky and grumpy, at annoyance stage. Physical pain is still bearable. I don’t think this baby will arrive before 2014. I am reading To the Lighthouse and Introduction to Feminist Philosophy. I am working myself up to the chapter on Birth. I ditched The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. Fail. Fail again. Fail better. Days are spent in my bedroom, upstairs, in heaven, in the attic. Hardly anyone comes up here during the day. I changed the bedsheets today.



About Lena Simic

Lena Simic, performance practitioner and pedagogue, born in Dubrovnik, Croatia, living in Liverpool, UK. Co-organizer of The Institute for the Art and Practice of Dissent at Home, an art activist initiative run from her family home. Lena’s autobiographical performance practice is informed b…Read more

Website: http://www.lenasimic.org

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One Response to “First Xmas in Anfield”

  1. Helen Sargeant

    My grannie gave me a copy of “To the Lighthouse”when I was 15, I still have’nt read it. I tried once then put it down, I will try again. My mum always talks about how wonderful it is.
    I found breast feeding very painful with Naoise, it was much harder than first time around. As of christmas, there is a lot of expectation around breast feeding.
    Christmas is such an intense time, lots of too much inside time and over consumption. I find it suffocating and have to get lots of fresh air. Yesterday me and patrick built a den on the allotment, and the kids played poking sticks into a bonfire. My hair stinks of smoke.
    “I felt overstuffed and dull and disappointed, the way I always do the day after Christmas, as if whatever it was the pine boughs and the candles and the silver and gilt-ribboned presents and the birch-log fires and the Christmas turkey and the carols at the piano promised never came to pass.”
    Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar


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