I thought about how beautiful, perfect you looked, lying in your nappy, legs just touching my legs, thumb being sucked. I thought about how fortunate I am to have you, lying next to me. I thought about my eldest son, he has been away for 16 days now. Its too long for me to be without him. I feel out of kilter, not quite myself, not whole or complete without his presence.

I thought about the end of my fertile years. The cot that has been hanging around in the corner of the bedroom that has become a dumping ground. It needs to go, be moved out, to make space and room for something else.

A                  , a nothing, an emptiness.

A blank page.

I showed my partner these ten drawings and explained what I was thinking, the love that I felt for my precious youngest child, how I was missing my eldest, the despair I feel without him. That there will be no other baby, and how this decision upsets me. My body feels a waste, an unwanted vessel, an ending.

Lying here naked on the bed he holds me in an embrace. His compassion comforts me. I brush off tears and think about making a cup of tea. Mum is coming today, her conversation will cheer me, I will be able to do some sorting, clearing, tidying, get some sense of control and order. Clear the way for the new school term, find the uniform, pair the socks.

1/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

2/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

3/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

4/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

5/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

6/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

7/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

8/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

9/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

10/10, ipad drawing, 30th August 2013, Helen Sargeant

 

About Helen Sargeant

I am a visual artist, mother of two children aged 12 and 4, and co-founder of the MeWe arts collective. I intend to use this site to explore how my personal experiences as a mother informs my arts practice. To reflect upon the maternal in relationship to memory, loss, and mental health in particu…Read more

Website: http://helensargeant.co.uk

More posts by Helen Sargeant

One Response to “Early morning drawings 6:44am-8:00am”

  1. Grace Whowell

    Beautiful Helen. As we talked about yesterday, I went through this when I decided not to have another child. I really didn’t feel i could handle it physically (possibly emotionally too). Now I feel positive though, after so many years of carrying, feeding and lifting, I have a chance to feel healthy and strong again so hopefully I can make the best of the time I have with my boys.

    Reply

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