I thought about how beautiful, perfect you looked, lying in your nappy, legs just touching my legs, thumb being sucked. I thought about how fortunate I am to have you, lying next to me. I thought about my eldest son, he has been away for 16 days now. Its too long for me to be without him. I feel out of kilter, not quite myself, not whole or complete without his presence.
I thought about the end of my fertile years. The cot that has been hanging around in the corner of the bedroom that has become a dumping ground. It needs to go, be moved out, to make space and room for something else.
A , a nothing, an emptiness.
A blank page.
I showed my partner these ten drawings and explained what I was thinking, the love that I felt for my precious youngest child, how I was missing my eldest, the despair I feel without him. That there will be no other baby, and how this decision upsets me. My body feels a waste, an unwanted vessel, an ending.
Lying here naked on the bed he holds me in an embrace. His compassion comforts me. I brush off tears and think about making a cup of tea. Mum is coming today, her conversation will cheer me, I will be able to do some sorting, clearing, tidying, get some sense of control and order. Clear the way for the new school term, find the uniform, pair the socks.