I thought about how beautiful, perfect you looked, lying in your nappy, legs just touching my legs, thumb being sucked. I thought about how fortunate I am to have you, lying next to me. I thought about my eldest son, he has been away for 16 days now. Its too long for me to be without him. I feel out of kilter, not quite myself, not whole or complete without his presence.
I thought about the end of my fertile years. The cot that has been hanging around in the corner of the bedroom that has become a dumping ground. It needs to go, be moved out, to make space and room for something else.
A , a nothing, an emptiness.
A blank page.
I showed my partner these ten drawings and explained what I was thinking, the love that I felt for my precious youngest child, how I was missing my eldest, the despair I feel without him. That there will be no other baby, and how this decision upsets me. My body feels a waste, an unwanted vessel, an ending.
Lying here naked on the bed he holds me in an embrace. His compassion comforts me. I brush off tears and think about making a cup of tea. Mum is coming today, her conversation will cheer me, I will be able to do some sorting, clearing, tidying, get some sense of control and order. Clear the way for the new school term, find the uniform, pair the socks.
One Response to “Early morning drawings 6:44am-8:00am”
Grace Whowell
Beautiful Helen. As we talked about yesterday, I went through this when I decided not to have another child. I really didn’t feel i could handle it physically (possibly emotionally too). Now I feel positive though, after so many years of carrying, feeding and lifting, I have a chance to feel healthy and strong again so hopefully I can make the best of the time I have with my boys.