Spider Web observed on  Everything is connected, Peter Liversage  2010, YSP, Photo by Kaye Heyes 2013
Spider Web on  “Everything is connected” sculpture, Peter Liversage 2010, YSP, Photo by Kaye Heyes 2013

The spider silk of my love failed me today.

Dangled taut over breakfast table chaos

Daring acrobatics and impossible feats then

Snap

I lie broken-legged upside down

Amidst spoons and milk and a fraying school run.

 

I snipped and snarled and lashed out

with vicious jaws and wicked words; You

were a victim of my venom, No match

for my untamed temper and charmless aggression

I wanted to taste blood today.

 

You covered your fear with spikes and screams

made my fury rise, I want you to

fester and decay in my web of hurts.

Post school, my shoulders are a throb of tension

as I try again to reclaim my love for you

but out of my lips comes only hate and mean.

 

Asleep, your eyelashes beg forgiveness

and my howl of regret wakens the moon.

I’m a hateful Bad Mother, new species of worst

uncurling much later, my poison drips across

the page, accusing, alleging, confessing the truth.

 

Tomorrow I will make my web out of guilt.

Some days it’s stronger than my love.

Some days it’s all that I have.

About Kaye Heyes

In her practice Kaye Heyes promotes the power of words to transform mothers’ experience of post natal depression and traumatic births. She focuses on three areas: use of language when talking about lived experience, changing self-talk and creative writing as therapeutic practice. From November …Read more

2 Responses to “A web of words”

  1. Helen Sargeant

    This is such a beautiful poem, and as I read it I saw myself and my experiences as a mother in your words. Its so upsetting when our children make us feel angry. Anger is so repressed, it leaches out, it has to escape. Anger and guilt and frustration. I often feel all three of these. I look at my children sleeping at night looking vulnerable, content, you go over the day, what you have done and said. I often question did I do this right, that right. There is so much to fret about, and then I cannot sleep. So the next day I am not as patient as I might be and the whole cycle begins again.
    Spiders are so busy at this time of year, building their webs, laying their cluster of eggs, and then they die.
    Motherhood is so transient, as quick as our children are growing we are fading. There is so much life and so much loss in the maternal. It is indeed a web, and now I am thinking of Louise Bourgeois and all her beautiful spiders and webs.

    Reply
  2. Mo

    Oh my gosh Kaye
    Thank you
    Thank you
    Thank you

    Reply

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